Hardboiled
by Noone the Virgin
Summary: There are few, who qualify for the above meaning, and even fewer who prove so...


There I was…

Walking in a hot desert, alone. Without anyone else. I was plum tuckered out, sweating all throughout my body. My diaper was getting heavy and droopy. I needed to be changed.

But lo and behold, a shack! I'm saved. And in that shack, was…

A camel? Well, it's not unheard of to find camels in the desert. But is he really the only one here? Nonetheless, I need to cool down. I sat down next to him and did just that. He looked at me with a hard face. The face of someone who was hardboiled, like me.

I went and grabbed a handful of the hay between me and him. It was coarse, and tough.

Just the way I like it. He looked at me and grabbed a bit into his mouth. He could chew it better than I could. I have to admit, I was envious. After a bit, I decided to move on ahead. The camel on the other hand went another way. I decided if I followed him, I may make it to civilization. So I did.

He looked at me as if I were a burden. A look that said,

"Hey, bud. You ain't ridin' on my back."

And I said to him,

"No need. I'll walk."

He gave me another look, one that said, "Why the hell are you wearin' a diaper and cap? And the sucker to boot, sucker."

I told him, "Because it is what it is. A man's gotta do what a what a man's gotta do." And he left it alone, smirking at my cast-iron will. We kept on walking and walking, and walking.

And walking. I started to swim in the sand. The camel looked shocked, but not too shocked. I imagine he's seen some things in his life.

Until we finally made it to a town, alive with other people. As we walked around, people gave me looks as usual. Some laughed, some looked disgusted, and others didn't know what to make of the situation. The camel brayed and laughed, giving a look that said, "They don't understand a man's reasons, and it's not in their place to do so."

That's when I realized this camel wasn't all too bad. In fact, I'd consider him a worthy blood brother. I can see he's had his share of heartbreak and turmoil. Like myself…

Also, he has long eyelashes.

We went to a bar, but they wouldn't let my camel brother in. I told them, "You'd dare deny service to a hardboiled individual such as this beast of burden?" The camel in question brayed, staring at the owner with a sharp look, sharper than any knife or dagger. I couldn't help but smile. I sure met a winner today.

We went to the fountain and took a drink together. The water dripped down to my stomach. Lucky for me, I saw a dame, young and naïve. I went and grabbed a piece of her dress. She screamed, calling me a pervert. I turned to her and told her,

"Young lady, ain't nothing perverted about a man keeping himself well-groomed." She looked at me with those wide eyes of hers, knowing of my code and being. Just another sheep following the big daddy goat himself. The camel with the long eyelashes brayed at me, giving a look that told me, "I got all kinds of ladies eyeing me when I come in town. I just ignore them, but I may let a cutie or two ride my back."

I liked this camel. I don't think I've ever met such a hardboiled man-er, camel. Either way, he's cut like none other. If only there was some way to, I dunno, fuse with him or something.

Suddenly, something came from the sky! It was a strange man riding a cloud. Now I HAVE seen everything.

"Hey, I couldn't help but notice ya swimmin' in the floor," He told me. "Well, it's not every day I see a man on a cloud come out the sky," I told him. "It's the Kintotun. And this fella here ya friend?"

The camel nodded.

"Ah, so you two can do th' fusin' dance!"

"The fusing WHAT?"

"The Fusion Dance! It's when two people go an' do a strange dance, an' they become a whole new person! Me an' a friend of mine do it when th' time comes, but he don't like it much…"

My eyes flashed before my eyes. This was the moment of truth. Me and this hardboiled camel could become one person, the most hardboiled person the world has ever witnessed!

We could even become…ironboiled. My heart was racing, but not as fast as the sweat down my back and diaper.

"Boy, I'll do it! Show us this fusion dance!"

"Alright! Let's get it started!" He started to do some strange poses, some real funny ones. But I'm not one to judge a man. This dance would make me excel to the next level of hardboiledness.

If that's even a word.

But my camel comrade brayed in disgust, almost as if he were saying,

"Like hell I'm doing this fruity dance!" I looked at him with the sharpest stare, and even cocked my brow to emphasize why this dance was needed.

"Now look here, buddy. If we do this dance, we'll be as hardboiled as a Faberge egg, even harder!"

"Eggs? I could use an' omelet," Said the flying cloud man. The camel finally realized the goal of this dance and we got to working on it, just the way the man showed us.

Fuuuuuuuu

Brrrrrrrrrrr

Siiiiiiooooooooon

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

HAAAAAAAAAA!

As soon as we touched fingers, or hooves in this case a strange light covered us, we molded together into one being. One man with a bag of seeds watched us. Finally, the light cleared up and we finally became one. The flying cloud man looked at us and laughed. We went and looked at our reflection.

I'm not gonna lie, we looked like hot shit on a sunny day. But, how hardboiled were we? I had to go to the bathroom.

Or was it Eyelashes? Wait, who? The camel, of course! He was given that name by a dame named Nami. She had a good bust on her, but overall it wasn't necessary to give her the attention. You gotta be tougher than that, bud.

Oh man, I had to squeeze one out. I went ahead and dropped the bombs, with everyone looking at us in disgust.

"Why are ya crappin' in the open like that," Asked the flying cloud man. "Shut it, boy. When a man's gotta go, he's gotta go." I looked at the old man spitting his seeds and took my waste and spread it over the ones he didn't eat.

"Now, if you let them sit in the sun like this, they'll dry out. Here, you can rest easy knowing they'll grow into beautiful flowers that'll blossom into something special.

Special…like her…

The men and women were swooning over me, acknowledging my hardboiled interior. That's when I realized, the dance worked! We were more hardboiled than ever before.

"Strange flying cloud man, you have our thanks," I told him. "Oh, glad to help! Jus' know that th' fusion won't last long. In about fifteen minutes or so ya'll be back to normal."

"But, if ya keep doing th' fusin', ya'll stay that way!" The flying cloud man went back into the sky, back from whence he came. And suddenly, we split up, back into two hardboiled beings. The women and camels came a flockin'! For once, I cared about them enough to let 'em linger for a bit. My partner in crime was steaming by his nostrils, oh boy.

"Didn't I tell ya, that was amazing!" Ol' Lashes agreed with me. From this point on, we'll be one in the same, cut from the same cloth! When we merge our hardened wills together, we'll become…

Senor Pinkeye, the Super Hardboiled Beast of Manliness!


End file.
